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I remember how the world used to glow with vibrant colors; now everything seems shrouded in gray. The days bleed into each other—formless, colorless, lifeless. There’s this heaviness inside my chest that doesn’t fade, like a relentless storm cloud ready to burst yet never quite releasing its rain. Sometimes, I imagine my emotions are like those locked-up storm clouds, heavy and overwhelming, but trapped within the confines of my heart.

At night, the worst thoughts come uninvited. Telling me that I am alone, that I am worthless. I’ve tried so hard to silence them, to find solace in the scratch of my own pain. It seemed the only release from the torment, a way to feel something, anything, even if it was just the sharp sting and the sight of my own blood. But every time, the relief is fleeting, and soon I’m left feeling even more empty than before.

I’ve thought about ending it all, about stepping off the edge into the abyss where perhaps I wouldn’t feel this pain anymore. The idea lingers like a shadow, always present, always darkening the edges of my thoughts. It scares me, not because I’m afraid of the end, but because part of me yearns for it as a final escape from this relentless sadness.

Yet, in these moments of despair, I find myself thinking of the few flickers of light in my life—faint memories of laughter, brief touches of genuine connection, moments when the world doesn’t seem entirely grim. It’s those slivers of hope that battle the shadows, pushing back just enough to make me pause, to make me wonder if there might be more than this pain.

But where do I go from here? How do I find my way out of this labyrinth of sorrow when every path seems to lead deeper into darkness? The answers elude me, lost in the fog that clouds my mind. I’m scared that I might never find my way out, that I’ll always be wandering, searching for a light that doesn’t exist.

So, I write sometimes, not because I have found the answers, but because voicing these thoughts helps to lighten the load, even if just for a moment. Maybe you understand. Maybe you’ve felt this same oppressive darkness. And maybe, just maybe, knowing we’re not facing this alone can be our first step towards finding a path out of the darkness.